The Sweetest Pain

I have a headache. It's starting to edge out from my left outer temple to the center of my forehead. It pulsates and throbs with a jazzy syncopated beat, but I do not care. I should be taking pain relievers. I should be going to bed. But here I sit at my beloved computer, with a silly grin on my face, suffering from insomnia, and relishing the memory of a separate pain that is as sweet as honey.

One of the best feelings one can have is to truly enjoy another's company. To look into each other's eyes and to know that you "get" each other. To click. To not have to speak to communicate. I have that with a few people in my life, and I cherish the moments I spend with them always. Those relationships are a comfort to me. I can just be. Something inside me lets go because I don't have to try anymore. It's effortless and I love them for it.

Recently, I spent time with someone who almost fits this category, except for one additional, complicating factor: physical attraction. Physical attraction elevates this "click" to a level that is both exhilarating and frightening. I feel my heart beat faster, I feel my eyes get wider, and I feel myself gasping for air. And I know that it is all for naught because She will never, ever, return those feelings. I yearn for someone I cannot have. She does not know of my attraction. All she knows is that I am the person who makes her day, who makes her laugh in a way that no one else can, and who can relate to her and understand her without trying. I am the friend that she never expected to find.

I feel transparent to her. I feel both exposed and guarded at the same time. Exposed, because I cannot help but truly enjoy our time together just talking, laughing, and living, but wondering if somehow she can divine the secret I hold in my eyes. Guarded, because I am holding back on expressing my affections to protect our wonderful friendship.

I thought I had a "type". I knew it inside and out. But ever since she entered my life, I am now thrown. She is a surprise to me.... but a wholly pleasant one.

I do not pretend that I love her. I do not kid myself that this could be nothing more than infatuation. I dare not convince myself that somehow, like in a crazy romantic comedy, everything will turn out in the end after much hijinx, because I know that my life is NOT a movie. Somehow though, I become blissfully unaware of all these things when I see her smile, because I know that sometimes, just sometimes, that smile is just for me.

This is what I do know. I will get over her. I will move on eventually, and hopefully nurture our relationship into a true friendship, one without the complexity of attraction. In the meantime, being with her is, for me at least, ... the sweetest pain.