The Pain of Despair

The hardest thing about being heartbroken right now is this:

When I was with her, when it was good, when I happy, I felt affirmation that being gay was not wrong. I knew it in my heart. How could I be so happy and fulfilled? How could God create something so beautiful, and then tell me it is an abomination? Having her next to me, going through it all with me, helping me carry my burden, just proved it. If feeling love was so wrong, then I didn't ever want to be right. I was in love. The greatest love I had ever felt thus far. She was my first girlfriend. Something inside of me just opened up.

Now, alone with my thoughts, my hurt feelings, all I feel is doubt. That my family is right. That I cannot find happiness in the context of "these kind of relationships". How can I fight the good fight, and stand up for myself when I can't even drag myself out of my despair?

It's Easter season in my household. My mother keeps offering rides to church to go to mass with her and my dad. I refuse. I feel nothing but self-loathing when I'm there. I wish I could pray and be healed with the power of faith and spirituality. But I cannot. Not here. In my mother's church. The church that week after week tells me that I am not due the rights of every single human being on this planet, simply because I love another woman. That somehow, I am not a person.

I feel such utter and painful despair. It will pass. I just don't know what to do with myself until then.