The Reluctance

I find myself reluctant to do much of anything except stuff for me.

Call it: "Reese learns to take care of herself and herself only". I suppose I hit a critical mass when I realized that everything I did (no matter the rewards I felt), was always for someone else.

I guess I was raised to think that kind of behaviour was selfish. I was trained in the ultimate form of love.. self-sacrifice. Unfortunately, what no one tells you is this: that in order to give to others, you have to full yourself.

So here I am "filling" myself.

I find it strangely unrewarding. But I do it nevertheless because I know it's a good exercise for me. It's kind of like spiritual crunches. I hate them as I do it... but the more I do it, the rewards will reveal themselves.

Anyway, last night a work friend and I checked out a girl party at "Ciao Edie's" called appropriately enough..."Here Kitty Kitty". Lots of attractive, funky girls were there. Some even my age! (hahaha) Oddly enough I still find myself scoping out the young-looking asian types, but hey, I know it's my krpytonite. That I will confess to.

I went in last night thinking I had no game. The longer I sat there watching the scene, watching the scene watch me watch the scene... I realized that I still got game. I just have my head in other places. There were moments were I shared an eye lock with a pretty girl, and that alone made the night worth it.

I just felt pleased that I knew that (for lack of a cheesier expression) there is plenty of fish in the sea, and that when I'm ready, I'll be the catch of the day. See I TOLD you it was cheesy.

But anyhow, I bide my time. Honing my other life skills. Just waiting until that moment when I feel my utmost Me again.

Now I must go back to study-udy-udying.