The Preservation of Self

In my various adventures in dating and relationships, I always thought I knew what the definition of love was. I mean, in the absence of emotion, it's very easy to logically list out the attributes of real love: respect, honesty, selflessness, trust, forgiveness. But when faced with the flurry of real emotion, all logic goes out the window, and that list gets forgotten.

I thought someone really loved me. But it turns out, that maybe it isn't the case. In the moment of her pain and hurt, she disrespected my feelings, she tried to control me, she couldn't forgive me when I was really sorry. She didn't fulfill the basic essentials of what loving someone requires. I am so disappointed in the revelation, but in a way, I feel released from this cyclical "what if" scenario with her. Now I have my answer. It isn't to be. And friendship, right now, is a joke. It was always about having my attention, and having it when she wanted it.

I'm saddened at the loss of what I thought was unconditional love. I'm saddened at the loss of a friend, who cannot be my friend ever. You win some, you lose some.

Lately, I seem to be distilling my relationships down to a select few. My inner circle is getting small, and yet I still yearn for true intimacy and understanding. I wonder why it bothers me so?