The Trouble Magnet

Trouble can find me, even when I'm trying to be good. This weekend was a classic example.

Friday Night, 11:56pm

The plan was to stay home, relax and watch TV. The plan did NOT include having trouble show up at my apartment after midnight. It's a clear example of how sometimes it can find me even when I'm trying to be disciplined. I must be a pushover, and overly accommodating. I need to establish Mogwai rules. No feeding my addictions after 12:00am. Eesh.

Saturday Afternoon, 2:00pm

Even at innocuous family parties, it finds me. We all have regrets. You know the ones. The ones you wish to God never happened, and you promise you'll never touch a drop of alcohol again. The clarity of sobriety can blind you.

I'm at my nephew's birthday party at a restaurant, talking to my cousins. My regret shows up, sits down next to me, and taps me on the shoulder and says "Hi." I ignore it, and continue talking, hoping that this isn't really happening.

In my brain I'm screaming. I pray for God to strike me down at that moment so as to spare me any further pain. God has a sense of humour... and I'm his favourite puppet as of late. I don't see myself as the kind of person who uses avoidance as a tactic. I usually am direct. I usually cop to my mistakes. Not this time. And I'm the cause of someone else's pain. It's not how I perceive the real me. Then again, the "real me" has been absent in recent times.

I must be possessed. That's the only explanation. Or the reality is, I'm going through a transition, and floundering as I go along. That's okay. It's more fodder for the journey. Redefining self was never a pretty process.