The Price of Being Non-Standard

Argh. I hate being my size/shape sometimes. But NOT for whatever reasons you might be thinking.

I'm petite, 5'3'' and what my family likes to call "healthy" in size. Essentially what this means is that whenever I go clothes' shopping I have to factor in extra money to have my clothes altered.

$10 for hemming pants
$20 for sleeves shortened
+ anything else that is necessary

It's expensive being me.

The Return to Therapy

I have pretty wise friends. Regardless whether they've known me for 18 years or 1 year, they all seem to recognize a pattern in me that I often don't like to acknowledge. I'm attracted to people in need. That's not to say that I like needy people only, but the way I was raised, and the kind of person that I am, my heart goes out to those who need love and affection the most. That part I don't think is the unhealthy part. The part that is unhealthy is the fact that I spend more time and energy on my needy relationships, than I do on my healthy ones, even detracting from myself in the process.

This says a lot about me as well. I guess in the past I've needed the immediate gratification of helping someone. Call me raised uber-Catholic, but isn't this the point of why we're here on this planet? Anyhow, a particularly perceptive friend of mine has a nickname for me which doesn't paint this relationship cycle in a very favourable picture.

She calls me "Captain Save-A-Ho".

As rude as it sounds, it's actually kinda funny. But let's just say that the Captain is hopefully in drydock, and on vacation. Instead of focussing on other people, I'm trying to save myself.

So hence, my return to therapy. It was recently suggested to me by my doctor that I may suffer from a particular mood disorder, so in the next several months, I'll find out for sure. I'm also learning to pragmatically sort through my issues, and take responsibility for them. It's a healthy thing. I've been in therapy before... but for much bigger issues. It's nice for a change to learn day to day coping methods and have a safe forum for voicing my feelings and thoughts. I actually feel much more upbeat now. Now if only I'd learn to stop being so hard on myself. :D

The Trouble Magnet

Trouble can find me, even when I'm trying to be good. This weekend was a classic example.

Friday Night, 11:56pm

The plan was to stay home, relax and watch TV. The plan did NOT include having trouble show up at my apartment after midnight. It's a clear example of how sometimes it can find me even when I'm trying to be disciplined. I must be a pushover, and overly accommodating. I need to establish Mogwai rules. No feeding my addictions after 12:00am. Eesh.

Saturday Afternoon, 2:00pm

Even at innocuous family parties, it finds me. We all have regrets. You know the ones. The ones you wish to God never happened, and you promise you'll never touch a drop of alcohol again. The clarity of sobriety can blind you.

I'm at my nephew's birthday party at a restaurant, talking to my cousins. My regret shows up, sits down next to me, and taps me on the shoulder and says "Hi." I ignore it, and continue talking, hoping that this isn't really happening.

In my brain I'm screaming. I pray for God to strike me down at that moment so as to spare me any further pain. God has a sense of humour... and I'm his favourite puppet as of late. I don't see myself as the kind of person who uses avoidance as a tactic. I usually am direct. I usually cop to my mistakes. Not this time. And I'm the cause of someone else's pain. It's not how I perceive the real me. Then again, the "real me" has been absent in recent times.

I must be possessed. That's the only explanation. Or the reality is, I'm going through a transition, and floundering as I go along. That's okay. It's more fodder for the journey. Redefining self was never a pretty process.

The Compulsive Charmer

Everytime I go out to dinner, I have this problem. I like hitting on waitresses.... is that so wrong? Okay, so I admit it happens more than that. I hit on service people of all kinds. Salespeople, bartenders, secretaries, bus drivers, my friend's boss, coworkers... everyone is fair game.

I guess my favourite part about it is this: no one usually knows what I'm doing, especially girls. No one expects that I'm gay. Most people are clueless. And most people aren't ready for my level of bravado. And let's be honest. Service people always milk the friendliness because it's part of their job.

I figure it's safe. I figure it's practice. If anything, it's highly amusing... isn't it?

I just feel bad for my regular dining partners. They always roll their eyes. I can't help it that I'm cute, can I?

The Preservation of Self

In my various adventures in dating and relationships, I always thought I knew what the definition of love was. I mean, in the absence of emotion, it's very easy to logically list out the attributes of real love: respect, honesty, selflessness, trust, forgiveness. But when faced with the flurry of real emotion, all logic goes out the window, and that list gets forgotten.

I thought someone really loved me. But it turns out, that maybe it isn't the case. In the moment of her pain and hurt, she disrespected my feelings, she tried to control me, she couldn't forgive me when I was really sorry. She didn't fulfill the basic essentials of what loving someone requires. I am so disappointed in the revelation, but in a way, I feel released from this cyclical "what if" scenario with her. Now I have my answer. It isn't to be. And friendship, right now, is a joke. It was always about having my attention, and having it when she wanted it.

I'm saddened at the loss of what I thought was unconditional love. I'm saddened at the loss of a friend, who cannot be my friend ever. You win some, you lose some.

Lately, I seem to be distilling my relationships down to a select few. My inner circle is getting small, and yet I still yearn for true intimacy and understanding. I wonder why it bothers me so?

The Scent of a Woman

I'm wearing perfume today that I haven't worn since high school. And it feels foreign. Like I'm regressing. Funny how that makes me feel like I'm a stranger to myself.

Change is good. Unfortunately the nostalgia is making me nauseous... ugh.. I really had bad taste in perfumes in 1993. Yuck.

The Personality of Reese

I love personality tests. I especially love the Myers-Briggs version. I find it the most accurate of tests I've taken.. and I've noticed that most of my friends and lovers have fit a specific profile. So here's something you can do if you have 10 minutes to spare.

1) Take one of these two tests:
Keirsey Temperment Sorter
Jung Typology Test

2) Using your results, look yourself up here:
High-Level Description of the Sixteen Personality Types

3) Comment back with your results! I'm curious as to what type of personality reads my blog?

4) Read the Myers-Briggs prayers below for fun.

By the way... I'm a classic ENFJ. The last time I took the test (January 11, 2007) these were my results:

Extroverted - 61%
iNtuitive - 12%
Feeling - 50%
Judging - 44%

* distinctively expressed extrovert
* slightly expressed intuitive personality
* moderately expressed feeling personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

---

And re-posted from the internet... the humourous list of prayers for each of the types:

ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 a.m. E.S.T.

ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist (did I spell that correctly?).

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.